10 Talks Oz Never had
by Seeker of the wind
Summary: 10 talks Oz never had during his journey. Or had he? Humour, multiple crossover.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the used characters. This text is for no commercial use.

10 Talks Oz never had

1. NCIS

-So, you say it was a biker on PCP.-

-Yes.-

-And that's why he turned to dust when you poked with a stick.-

-Yes.-

-And that's why you turned into a monster and tore the other half a dozen apart.-

-Yes.

-And you coughing up furballs is not connected to that.-

-Not.-

Gibbs sighed and drank more coffee. Hour 15 of the Interrogation continued.

2. Bones

-Why do I have to talk to him?-

-Angela, you're the only one who doesn't irritate him. Maybe he'll be more truthful with you.-

-Okay, Booth, but I still don't like it

Angela pulled on a friendly smile and approached the short young man with a guitar on his back.

-You're nervous,- he noted calmly.

-If you could answer Agent Booth's questions calmly...-

-Can't. Smells gunpowder.-

Angela rose her eyebrow. He must have very acute sense of smell.

-And Doctor Brennan?-

-Bones. Ash.-

Definitely.

-Doctor Hodgins?-

-Solvent, insects.-

As always.

-Doctor Saroyan?-

-Blood, human.-

She just finished autopsy.

-Doctor Addy?

-Flesh, human.-

Strange.

-You sure?-

-Sure. Weird.-

3. Discworld

-Cool scythe.-

-THANKS.-

-Long day?-

-INFINITE. YOURS?-

-Quite.-

Silence

-Well, bye.-

-SEE YOU LATER.-

-Wolf.-

-DAMN. WHY DO THEY GET THE FUN ONES?-

4. SG-1

...Only one case is known of human to bring down a Goa'uld and ten Jaffa of his guard with a single word.

Forces of a minor Goa'uld Yoh and ten of his Guard invaded Earth through a natural dimensional portal.

-Fall onto your knees before you new God!-

Yoh's eyes shined red, he rose his hand device and sent a lightning into a passerby short man with a guitar case. Man phlegmatically went past him only saying one word.

-Cheap.-

It was also the first documented death out of shame.

5. Harry Potter/ Dogma

Oz let out a cloud of sweet smoke and looked up in the sky. Jay kept staring there for a whole minute and miraculously remained silent. Then he spoke.

-Dude, I totally see a blond chick with a stick, blasting some sea monsters. -

-Good weed, man,- said Oz.

Silent Bob remained, well, silent. He really knew better.

6 Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Morning met "Dingoes Ate My Baby" in a student flat, where Devon's new Love Of His Life brought them. Oz woke up in the kitchen, face on the table. He straightened and shook his head. A large black cat looked right at him from the edge of the table.

-Woof!- Salem barked into guitarist's face, but he didn't even twitch. -Pass the ham, mate.-

-Sure,- Oz stretched to the side, grabbed a piece of yesterday's ham and passed it to the cat.

-You don't seem to be fazed by this.-

-Sunnydale.-

-Oh. I'm Salem, by the way. A warlock.-

-Oz. Werwolf.-

Salem's eyes widened.

-Woof!-

The cat tumbled backwards and fell onto the floor with undignified yelp. Oz smiled. Day was looking up.

7 Charmed

-Is it okay? Isn't it heavy?-

-Okay. Not new.-

Oz carried the unconscious demon to the attic and landed it in the pentagram. The Charmed Ones started to chant and, in a minute, demon disintegrated with a scream.

-You must be tired.-

-Not really. Werwolf.-

Pheobe's eyes lit.

-Is it true what they say about werewolf stamina?-

Oz smiled.

-Try.-

-Pheobe, I know that you like bad boys, but a werewolf...

-Prue, men with nerves of steel and stamina of a beast make great shopping companions.-

Prue smiled Maybe her little sister started to grow up.

-And are real tigers in the bedroom!-

Prue sighed. Not a chance.

8 Original

In order to shut up an oracle, Seth asked them what Oz is going to say next. Some cried.

9 "Walpurga's Night" by A. Zavozova

-He's a werewolf!-

-Yeah,- answered the mob.

-Let's burn him!-

-Why?- asked the mob.

-He's a werewolf!- answered the preacher.

-Yeah,-

-Then we shall burn him!-

-Why?-

Oz closed his eyes. It looks like they were trying to kill him with their stupidity. And they were succeding.

Sunrise already lit the horizon.

10 "Entertaining mechanics" by V. Panov

Forger put a pint of beer in front of young werewolf and sank into his armchair.

-Let's put it like that: what's the essence of the concept of money?-

Oz sipped his beer, wiped his mouth and suggested:

-Payment?-

-Close. But cow can be a payment too. Why don't we use cows?-

-Universal payment?-

-Give man a cigar. Universal is a quite good word for this situation. The Art of my bloodline is such a deep understanding of the concept of payment that by paying the right amount in the right place at the right time we can achieve just about any result.-

-Any?- Oz looked at him in amazement.

-Just about. For example, this coin here,- Forger pointed at a bright gold-colored coin in a plastic casing. -It is a masterpiece, the Coin of Second Chance. Only one can be created for a person, and only for a specific person- one's coin won't save anyone but him. But once death shall step back and let him off with a slap on the wrist, no matter how surely he was killed.-

-Cool,- Oz looked at the coin in amazement.

-You want to ask about the cure for your curse. It can be done, but the price will be very high. Easier to pay for teaching you to control it. But most of the price won't be paid to me.-

-To whom?-

-Don't know. God? World? Fate? I don't know, but whoever he is, he has one nasty sense of humor. Are you sure you want this?

-You bet.-

Many days later, sitting in an Initiative cell, Oz rolled his eyes to the ceiling and grumbled: "Not funny". He was sure that a coin, made of Cyprian gold, with inscribed words "amor veritae" and "libertas" was no longer among his things.


End file.
